


The Easter Avenger (by Mario)

by cah_avengers



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Crack, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Marijuana, Nuck Furry, Recreational Drug Use, why did i do this oh god help me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-04-14
Updated: 2014-07-06
Packaged: 2018-01-19 08:47:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,472
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1463095
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cah_avengers/pseuds/cah_avengers
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When the Easter Bunny fails to do his duties, Nuck Furry must pick up the slack so the Avengers and friends don't go basketless on Easter morning.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Bunny Sets the Scene

Motherfucking Easter Bunny. That son of a bitch couldn’t be trusted with anything. Nick was sick and tired of picking up the slack for everyone else, but it was Easter, and the Avengers would be awake soon.

Nick really did have a soft spot for those motherfuckers, even if his voice was never lower than 80 decibels around them and his good eye always looked crazed.

So now that SHIELD was officially disbanded thanks to Hydra, he didn’t have to wear the leather all of the time. He could unwind, and wear what he was truly comfortable in. His furry suit. But that meant he was closest thing to the damn absent Easter Bunny around here.

The Avengers and friends woke up around nine in the morning, with the exception of Clint, who was up and about at fucking four o’clock in the morning. So Nick was up at two o’clock sneaking around the goddamn Avengers tower with Easter gifts for everyone.

He hit Clint’s room first in case he got up early. For Hawkeye, Nick dumped a shit ton of that plastic Easter grass in the corner of the room in case the motherfucker wanted to build a nest or some shit. He threw a bundle of new fancy arrows on top of the pile in case the bitch was offended by his hilarious joke.

After that he decided to work his way from the top down, starting with Pepper and Tony’s room. All he had for Stark was a chocolate bunny, but he decided to break it into two, one portion roughly twelve percent of the whole thing. That piece he gave to Tony. He threw the larger chunk in the tastefully decorated basket full of New York Times bestsellers and some calming tea Nick found quite soothing. That he left for Pepper.

Bruce’s room was his next stop, and he glanced around before setting a brick of weed on his dresser, along with some new lab goggles because, ‘The dude liked science and shit.”

Steve and Bucky’s rooms were a few floors down, so he snuck into Steve’s first to find it empty. He rolled his good eye. “Fucking gay-ass soldiers.”

He found Bucky’s room and decided to just leave both baskets there. For Steve he filled a basket with movies and CDs that he had scribbled about in his stupid-ass list, and matching cooking apron and oven mitts that resembled the American flag. Bucky’s basket was rather small, but packed with various hair products and some nice new eyeliner for the emo to try out.

As he snuck out of the room, he turned back and whispered, “Sleep tight, homos.”

Natasha’s room was his next stop, and he skipped the basket altogether, quickly dropping off a brand new knife set and leaving before he caught a bullet in the head from the light sleeping assassin.

Coulson’s room was easy to find, with its sign on the door that read, ‘Keep Out…Unless you’re Steve or Bucky.’ Coulson received exactly what he would want…Some collectible Captain America playbills and one old, original Captain America movie film…along with a lock of Bucky's hair Nick had obtained earlier in his room.

He smiled fondly when he reached Hill’s room and saw her sleeping beneath her SHIELD emblem poster, her old uniform clutched tightly to her chest. He quietly set a light blue furry suit on the armchair in the corner. A suit rather similar to his own. "Goodnight, Daddy's little Furry."

When he finished with them he stumbled across Galaga Guy’s room. “Oh yeah. This motherfucker. Does anyone even know what this dude is into?” He left him a basket of actual Easter shit because he would have felt bad for leaving him out, and what the fuck else was he supposed to do?

Finally he returned to Stark’s famous lounge and watched the sunrise, waiting for his little ones to awaken and find their special Easter gifts.


	2. Later that Morning...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Avengers awaken to find their special presents.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> for some reason, people actually requested a sequel to this atrocity, so here it is. have fun, ya weirdos

When Natasha got up to leave her room, she wondered why there was a black case of knives sitting on her dresser. She glanced at the calendar and realized it was Easter. She shrugged and put the new weapons away before leaving to find Clint.

It took her a while to find him since the last place she expected him to be this late in the morning was his own room. But when she did venture there she cocked a brow at the sight before her.

“What the hell, Clint.”

Clint poked his head out of the massive pile of purple Easter grass. “Nat!”

“Why…?”

“The Easter Bunny really delivered this year! Come on, nest with me!”

Natasha opened her mouth to decline, but then she saw how excited he was and decided to humor him. She crawled in and Clint patted some grass down to make a spot for her.

 

Steve woke up and carefully extricated himself from Bucky’s unconscious metal death grip. He froze on his way to the bathroom when he saw the blue basket wrapped in red and white striped ribbon.

He realized it was Easter so he quickly sank to his knees to rip open the plastic surrounding his gift.

There laid out on top were CDs, and DVDs of music, movies, and documentaries he had been meaning to watch. He almost shed a tear but he cleared his throat and continued.

Beneath those, he found a pair of oven mitts, blue with white stars on them, and an apron, red and white striped with a star right over the chest area.

He glanced back to see that Bucky was still sound asleep, so he crept away to the attached kitchen.

 

When Bucky woke up he smiled and rolled over to throw his arm around Steve, but when he found the bed empty, he frowned and opened his eyes.

"Steve?" The morning light made it difficult to see anything.

"Good morning, Buck."

Bucky blinked a few times and sat up against the wall. "Steve, what the hell?"

The super soldier stood there at the foot of the bed holding a breakfast tray, wearing nothing but an apron and oven mitts. “You hungry?”

“Oh my god. Can I please take a picture of this?” Bucky grinned and sat up further in bed.

“No!” He placed the tray on the bed and pulled off the oven mitts, his cheeks flushing red.

“What is the point of this anyway?” Bucky reached over and pulled the tray toward himself when his stomach contracted in hunger. “Where did you get that?”

“It was an Easter gift…And I thought you would enjoy this…” Steve fidgeted and Bucky smirked.

“Oh, I _am_ enjoying it. Now take off that absurd apron and get over here.” Bucky reached for Steve, but he stepped out of the way.

“Wait, you haven’t even opened your gift.” Steve plucked the basket from the floor and dropped it on the bed beside Bucky.

“ _I_ got an Easter basket?” Bucky cocked a brow, but tore open the plastic anyway. “What the fuck.”

Steve snorted and grabbed one of the colorful bottles from the basket. “Looks like the Easter bunny thinks you need to do something about your hair.”

Bucky scowled and pushed the basket aside, but Steve picked a small package out and opened it. “What are you doing?”

“When we were really young in grade school, sometimes I hung out with the girls because they didn’t care that I was so little and frail…So, that means I know a little bit about this sort of thing.” Steve swept up some of Bucky’s hair and pinned it to the side like he had seen so many girls do. Then he doubled over in laughter at Bucky’s expression and ill-fitting hair style. “It looks good on you!”

“I’m gonna eat my breakfast now…”

 

Pepper watched from her favorite armchair by the window with a perfect view of the Chrysler Building while Tony finally woke up. She went back to her new book and took a sip of her new tea before Tony could notice her watching him.

“Why are you out of bed?” Tony groaned and buried his face in the pillow.

“I’m enjoying my Easter present…Maybe the Easter Bunny left something for you too.”  Tony looked up at her as she shrugged and gave him a mischievous smile that meant he would have to get up and investigate.

Pepper’s eyes followed him over the top of her book as he dragged himself up and out of bed toward the dresser. “Is this it?” He reached for the pink and orange basket.

“Ah, ah, ah. I put yours in the fridge to preserve it.” She nodded toward the kitchen and Tony narrowed his eyes at her. He couldn’t help but get his hopes up now.

Pepper continued reading while she waited for Tony to find his present and return.

“You’re kidding me.” Tony stalked back into the bedroom with the bottom chunk of a chocolate Easter rabbit on a plate.

“Oh, how nice…JARVIS, what percentage of a complete chocolate rabbit do you think that is?”

_“…About 12%, Miss Potts.”_

“Hmm…That’s so weird.” She shrugged and took a sip of her tea.

 

“Oh my god. Is it Christmas already?” Phil rolled out of bed, eyes sparkling as he beheld the pile of Captain America merchandise on his sofa. Most of it was fairly new, and could be used as decoration and wearable clothing. But beneath all of it was a small, sleek black box wrapped in a silver bow.

His fingers trembled as he gently removed the bow and flipped open the lid of the box.

He gasped when the contents were revealed.

Inside was a perfect set of vintage Captain America trading cards, each in their own protective sleeve. He had nearly gone on a rampage when Maria had broken the news to him about Fury getting his blood all over his own set, but now Phil was glad he had refrained from attempting to assassinate the Director. Beneath the stack of pristine cards was a lock of brown, slightly greasy hair.

Phil lifted it with shaky fingers and breathed in its scent. He could recognize it anywhere; it was Bucky’s.

He immediately set everything else aside and gingerly carried the lock of hair over to his closet. He opened the double doors and knelt down before the hidden shrine. He caressed the side of the base table and a secret compartment opened toward him. He kissed the brown lock of hair and gently placed it beside the blond one.

 

Maria woke to the sound of her phone’s ringtone the indicated Fury was calling her. She snatched it off of her nightstand and pressed it to her ear. “This is Hill.”

“Agent, are you wearing your Easter present yet?”

“What are you talking about?” Maria dragged herself into a sitting position. Before Fury could reply she spied the light blue furry mass on her armchair.

“I got it made special just for you.”

She grimaced and slid off of the bed to go inspect whatever it was.

“Try it on and make sure it fits. I mean, it ought to. They are your exact measurements.”

Maria balanced her phone between her shoulder and her ear and lifted the blue fur up. Her first reaction was to open a window and toss it to the street who knows how many levels below her. “Really? Just for me, huh? I’m…touched.”

 

Galaga Guy woke up to his alarm like a normal human being and immediately began his morning routine. One he had picked the perfect outfit to compliment his eyes and ass, he strolled back into his bedroom to find a quaint little Easter basket sitting on the ottoman at the foot of his bed.

“How thoughtful,” he mused aloud. The gift was nice, and offered a lovely variety of chocolates and various candy, along with a nicely aged red wine.

He smiled and picked a chocolate bar to take with him to find someone to keep him company.

His first stop was Coulson’s room, but the warning sign on the door accompanied by the strange chanting coming from the other side made him think that perhaps he should try someone else.

He nearly knocked on Maria’s door, but he heard manic sobbing along with some sort of struggle. He walked briskly down the corridor.

He would never risk Clint or Natasha’s room, and Tony had specifically warned him against coming into his and Pepper’s room, so the only other option was for him to find Steve and Bucky. He hoped it was late enough in the afternoon that they were both dressed.

Before he could knock on Steve’s door, he heard giggles coming from Bucky’s, so he decided to investigate. When he opened the door he saw a half-naked Bucky sitting in front of a nearly naked Steve—all that covered him was a ridiculous apron—who was cornrowing the dark hair of his gay soldier lover.

The two men froze and looked over at him, and Galaga shut the door and quickly retreated toward the elevator.

He rode it up to the lounge, where he hoped only normal things were happening. Sadly, he would not find what he desired there. In the middle of the lounge, in a large armchair sat Nick Fury, wearing a gray rabbit suit.

What made it fifty times worse was Maria Hill sitting on the sofa nearest to Fury, wearing a light blue version of the suit made for her size.

“Good morning, Agent. Did you find your Easter basket?” Nick smiled at him very uncharacteristically.

Galaga just stared at them, Fury beaming like he had just cured cancer, and Maria sulking miserable at his side. “What the fuck is wrong with everyone in this goddamn tower?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SOOOO, some of you may think I /forgot/ Bruce...Well, that's absolutely ridiculous. He will make an appearance in the final installment of this story. And there is a surprise in store...


	3. 4/20 Blaze It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Easter morning tower meeting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so here's the third chapter...This was intended to be the final chapter but I kinda couldn't fit everything into it so I just kinda said 'fuck it' and I'm now I'm almost done with the fourth and last chapter.  
> I have subscribers for this story, which genuinely shocks me, so here you go.  
> Enjoy?  
> Btw there is weed. No explicit descriptions or anything but...it's there. So be warned I guess.

Bruce got to sleep in for once as it was Easter, so he rolled over when the morning light woke him up and he buried his head under his pillow.

He was just about to fall asleep when Tony barged into his room. "Bruce! You gonna laze around in bed all day or are we gonna get to work on the—...Holy shit, is that weed?"

"We can always work tomorrow; today is Easter for God’s sake...Wait, what?" Bruce sat up and looked at Tony, who pointed toward the dresser.

Surely enough there sat a brick of Marijuana along with a new pair of lab goggles.

"So, I was right about you, Brucey. That's how you stay calm."

"No, Tony, that's not even mine."

Tony rolled his eyes. "Good one. You know that's what every stoner kid says when he gets caught?"

"I know that." Bruce slid out of bed and walked to the dresser to inspect the situation.

"Maybe this is your Easter present." Tony joined him and folded his arms. "Someone left a basket for Pepper, and I know it wasn't me...unless JARVIS ordered it since I forgot."

_"Actually, sir, Director Fury left everyone a gift this morning."_

Tony and Bruce looked at each other, wearing matching expressions of incredulity. "Nick? _He_ did this?...And _he_ gave me _12%_ of a chocolate bunny?...Where is he?"

_"He is in the lounge, sir."_

"Let's go, Bruce." Tony spun on his heel to leave the room, then glanced back at his friend. "Bring the weed."

 

They arrived at the lounge just as Galaga was trying to leave, and Tony blocked his way. "Nope. You're staying. Tower meeting."

Then Tony noticed the two lumps of fur sat right in the middle of the lounge.

"What the fuck is going on here?"

Nick smiled. "An Easter miracle, Mr. Stark."

"Is that a joke?"

Nick suddenly turned serious. "You know what, motherfucker? I hippity-hopped all around this goddamn tower for you and your super powered amigos. I do believe I at least deserve a thank you."

“Well I seem to recall getting a _fraction_ of a chocolate rabbit as my Easter gift so you’ll be receiving no thanks from me, Buggs.” Tony folded his arms and tried not to look directly at the Director in his fur suit.

“Okay, hold on,” Bruce cut in before Nick could reply with a sassy comment, “Is this all actually happening? Or did Tony spike my drink with some sort of experimental drug and I’m now hallucinating?”

“Not my style, Bruce.” Tony crossed the room, starting for the bar. “Unfortunately this all seems very real.”

“Can we get this all over with so I can change out of this sweaty death trap and get some work done?” Maria asked through clenched teeth.

Nick look hurt. “Maria, I had that suit specially tailored to your measurements and I would appreciate it if you at least pretended to like it. I am the momma rabbit, and you my little bunny. I thought you looked up to me.”

Tony snorted and nearly dropped the glass of Johnny Walker he had poured for himself. “Now now, Maria, Nick is right…It’s such a thoughtful gift…Take the day off; it _is_ Easter after all.”

Maria turned and leaned over the back of the couch. _I fucking hate you_ , she mouthed, and Tony just grinned brightly at her. “Jarvis, would you be so kind as to alert the rest of our residents that there is a meeting in ten minutes here in the lounge.”

_“Of course, sir.”_

“Now everyone sit the fuck down so we can enjoy a nice family Easter morning together.”

 

Ten minutes of near silence later, most of the tower’s residents had settled in in the lounge. Nat and Clint managed to share an armchair, some purple grass still stuck to their clothing, both of them staring at the Director in horror.

Coulson had been reluctant to leave his completed shrine, but eventually complied and now sat near Bruce, unsure if he was supposed to comment on the rabbit suits or not.

Steve and Bucky had nearly been late, clearly from their struggle to appear normal in ten minutes, which had failed miserably because Steve was still wearing his apron over his pants and Bucky’s corn rows had only been half undone, creating a weird sort of mullet.

Steve said nothing about the odd scene before him, but Bucky didn’t particularly give a fuck if he offended anyone.

“What the fuck are you two wearing? I know it’s Easter and all, but…damn.” He strolled toward the bar but Fury’s voice made him stop dead.

“You sit down you little smart-mouthed punk. I worked hard to bring us all together and I’ll be damned if some mopey defrosted cyborg is gonna ruin it. Sit. The fuck. Down.”

Galaga raised a brow as he watched everything unfold. He was so amused by the crazy look in Fury’s eye that he didn't notice Maria inching closer to him on the sofa.

“Okay so why are we all here?” Bruce asked once Bucky had obeyed and found a seat with Steve stood behind him.

“Because families spend Easter morning togeth—“Nick began, but Tony cut him off.

“Actually I thought it would be a lot more fun if everyone was here to get rid of this together…” He tossed the brick of weed onto the coffee table. “I mean of course it’s gonna take quite a while, but…”

“What the fuck, where did you get that?” Galaga leaned forward and picked it up.

“Easter gift,” Bruce answered for him with a grimace.

“Well then, what are we waiting for?” Clint pulled a tin box out of his back pocket and flipped the lid open. One side had cigarettes tucked away, and the other had extra rolling paper.

“Now that’s what I’m talking about!” Tony clapped his hands and vaulted himself over the back of a sofa, landing between Maria and Galaga. He looked over at Furry Jr. “Is that staying on? Because I will find a different seat.”

“Hold on just a minute. We aren't seriously going to sit around and smoke pot? The Avengers…in Stark Tower.” Steve snorted.

“Oh yes we are, dear Captain,” Tony assured him, “And don’t worry; this is a one-time thing…A celebration I guess.”

“Celebration of what exactly?” Maria interjected.

“You got me there…Certainly not Easter because that would be highly inappropriate. Perhaps our ability to live together without killing one another…Come on, guys. Just once. I’m sure no one’s going to be demanding a drug test any time soon from any of you.” Tony glanced around and was happy to be met with no protest.

“All right then. Let’s do this,” Clint grinned and began rolling a joint.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes so I'm sure you can guess what the last chapter will be. Anyway the comments are always highly entertaining so don't hold back. Here you go, Brucey, I hope you liked your chapter. The next one will feature your wonderful, insightful comments so don't worry.


	4. The End

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The aftermath of the tower 'meeting.'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This will be the final chapter of this fic. (Save your tears until the end). Beware, Bruce has a very emotional moment, and you might need a tissue.

A few hours later the lot of them were sprawled out around the lounge. Maria had managed to talk her way out of the rabbit suit by convincing Nick that she would sweat the marijuana out of her system and consequently have to smoke more to maintain her high, which she knew was a load of bullshit and made no sense whatsoever. She had also managed to maneuver herself into a comfortable position across Galaga’s legs since he was too high to care about the invasion of his personal space.

Clint and Natasha claimed the sofa early on and they somehow fit together side by side staring up at the ceiling, quietly giggling together about their top secret missions, and most likely whatever occurred in Budapest.

Phil, the sneaky little bastard he was, wound up in the middle of a super soldier sandwich, his hands stealthily making light contact with both of their butts while they dozed off in pleasant moods. To be fair, the pot couldn’t really affect Steve or Bucky, but the overeating had put them in the mood for a nap.

Fury remained in his arm chair, good eye lazily sweeping the room while he dug into a bag of Bugles and muttered to himself about his glory days.

Bruce was stretched out over the rug in the middle of the room, head turned to the side so he could watch New York City while he pondered life’s most important questions. Tony’s head rested on his stomach, and he heard light snoring coming from his science bro.

The room was absolutely trashed. Wrappers and food containers littered most of the tabletops. The crew had ordered pizza, Mexican food, and Chinese once the munchies had kicked in, and none of it had gone to waste.

Bruce was glad he still seemed fairly coherent and that he would be able to slip away before he was roped into cleanup obligations when everyone came to.

But then a mind-shattering, existential question entered his mind and he shook Tony’s shoulder. “Dude, I gotta ask you something…”

Tony cleared his throat and blinked a few times at the ceiling. “Yeah, what is it buddy?”

“Well, I was thinking…and you know how boobs are pretty much fat?”

Tony giggled. “Yeah, boobs. I know…what about ‘em?”

“Well what if they were just like this gelatinous mass of eggs, and one day when she came of age, little baby frogs erupted from a woman’s breasts, like…whoa have you seen that shit on the Discovery Channel or Animal Planet?...Weird stuff. I don’t know what this means but, it’s gotta mean something, right?”

Tony stared at a patch of drywall on the ceiling while he visualized the image Bruce had painted. “Ew…I don’t…Would tadpoles come wriggling out or…?”

“Wait no no that’s not…wait yes baby frogs…tadpoles…But what if when you got a haircut…All of the hair in a pile on the floor just came together and gained sentience and started crawling toward you?”

“I would…” Tony began to laugh, thinking of what he would say, “I would name it…Oh god, yeah I would name it…Harry!”

It took Bruce a minute to understand the extremely complex pun Tony had offered, but eventually he started to laugh. “Harry…Because it’s made of hair.”

“You got it!” Tony began to laugh harder as Bruce’s stomach bounced Tony’s head with his own laughs.

It took a while for them to calm down and they simultaneously sighed in content.

“Bruce, you’re a funny guy.”

“But you’re the one who made the joke.”

Tony paused to remember just what the joke was, then started to laugh anew. “Oh yeah.”

“But in all seriousness…Sometimes…sometimes I wonder, what if the world was different?”

Tony quieted down as he began to contemplate Bruce’s question.

“What if instead traditional human skin color, people had patterns…Like what if you were a kid born with spots and both of your parents were striped…your ‘dad’ would ask your mom who the real father is…And the spots trait is a dominant allele so it couldn’t even be a recessive trait fluke…She would have cheated on your ‘dad’…Oh god.” Bruce’s eyes began to well up with tears. “Why would she do that? It’s so sad…This birth will tear the family apart. Your dad had no idea anything was wrong with his and your mother's relationship. Now he knows he doesn't make her happy enough to stay faithful...Oh god...”

Tony sniffled, and soon began to join Bruce in his sympathy for this striped couple and their odd spotted baby.

 

Pepper felt extremely productive that morning, having finished one of the shorter books she was gifted in her Easter Basket already, and she decided to go down to the lounge for a cocktail. Surely it wouldn’t be such a bad thing to have a drink or two when it was only early afternoon, and perhaps no one would be there to judge her unconventional decision.

As the elevator approached the floor she needed, she supposed she could have just asked Jarvis if the lounge was busy or if she would have the place to herself, but she was absent-minded at the moment, daydreaming of a possible future vacation to Costa Rica.

So when the elevator doors opened, she gasped at the sight (and smell) with which she was greeted.

“Oh my god…Do I smell pot? Oh god of course there’s a whole fucking brick of it sitting on the coffee table…Are you all high right now?!”

Tony’s head rolled to the side and he gazed up at Pepper with red eyes and a tear-stained face. “Pep…you’d never leave me for a spotted man, would you?” His voice broke around the word ‘spotted’ and for the life of her, Pepper could not decipher his meaning in that sentence.

“What the fuck have I gotten myself into?” She mumbled to herself and leaned over to press the ‘close door’ button on the elevator. She definitely did not have the patience to deal with that mess at the moment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, friends, that wraps that up. Sorry to see it go, I know...but you can always prompt us over on our blog>> http://cahavengers.tumblr.com/ Honestly I would love a good prompt right now. I want to write some more ridiculous ooc crack.  
> I hope this story lived up to your expectations. If it didn't, well you shouldn't be surprised.


End file.
